“Perhaps our greatest acts of violence are reserved not for those experiences that are most foreign to us but for the ones that are closest to the truth about ourselves.” - Jonathan Mooney

In this article I’ll candidly share my thoughts about polyamory, monogamy, marriage, and about intimate relationships in general.

Hurt

One issue that seems to be a hang-up for a lot of people is the possibility of getting hurt. Monogamous relationships can lead to plenty of hurt when they go bad, and it seems reasonable to assume that polyamory could multiply this hurt even more, if only because more hearts are involved.

One reason people fear getting hurt is that they’ve had some bad experiences in the past and haven’t fully recovered yet. Another problem is that people have an undue fear of hurting others because they’ve caused some pain in the past, and they’re still harboring a lot of guilt and regret.

What does it take to let go of that fear and pain and to summon the courage to take new risks in your relationships, in the hopes of experiencing ever greater levels of joy?

Basically, you just have to get back in the arena and do the best you can… without worrying so much about getting hurt. Over time your calibration will improve. You’ll get better at avoiding broken hearts, and you’ll learn to create joy more consistently. Unfortunately, you have to move through the hurt phase to get to the joy phase.

If you live your life so as to minimize your potential hurt, you’ll endure a very dull, dreary, and cowardly existence. This is how drug addicts aim to live. Of course the pain always gets its say further down the road.

Anyone who wants to live consciously must accept that getting battered and bruised is part of the game of life. It happens.

When you get hurt, the best response is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, tend to your bruises, consider what you’ve learned, and get back in the game with even more resolve than you had when you were knocked down.

Wounds heal. This includes the wounds you inflict as well as those that are inflicted upon you.

Life has knocked me down quite a few times. I’ve been arrested and convicted. I went bankrupt trying to build my first business. I was kicked out of my apartment because I couldn’t pay the rent. People criticize me publicly every week, especially this week. Hmmm… wonder why…

Does it hurt when stuff like this happens? Sure it does. I’m not invulnerable.

I know that life will keep knocking me down again and again. And each time I’ll get up, dust myself off, and tend to my wounds. Then I’ll say in my snarkiest tone, “Nice try, Life. Is that the best you can do?”

I don’t want to reach my grave in pristine “like new” condition. I won’t die with my music still in me. When the coroner checks my dead body, I want him to say, “Damn… what the hell did he do to this thing?”

Don’t try to grow a big callous around your heart to protect yourself from getting hurt. Don’t try to shield yourself from emotional pain. That will only make you cold and callous yourself. If you disconnect from your heart, you disconnect from everything. You’ll rob your life of all its delicious flavor.

Instead, take the hurt as it comes, and fully accept it. Listen to what the hurt is telling you, learn from it, and grow through it. See the hurt as a gift instead of a punishment. Tune into the joy behind the sadness.

The message of hurt is this: Despite what’s happened, can you still respond with love?

Even when you’re faced with negative emotions, can you see beyond them and consciously choose to respond with love instead of reacting with fear?

Can you see how helpful this process is in the long run? The more you get hurt, the more you develop your ability to choose love.

If you look at some of the most loving souls on earth, their pasts are often riddled with the most wicked abuse and suffering you can imagine. Knock them down, and they keep coming back with more love. Do you sense the power of this way of living?

I understand that not everyone has this attitude. What can I say? Is it really helpful to wallow in self-pity or guilt? Isn’t it better to accept the hurt as it comes, process it, let it go, and then move on?

The human heart has a great capacity to heal. If you get hurt, you’ll recover. If you hurt others, they’ll recover too. If you consciously work on your healing, you’ll heal a lot faster than if you merely subscribe to the mantra, Time heals all wounds.

Does this mean you should go around hurting people intentionally because, what the heck, they’ll heal? No, it just means that you shouldn’t fear it. It’s better to experience (or cause) one real broken heart than to fear a thousand imaginary ones.

I know that by exploring polyamory, there’s a good chance that someone I’m involved with will feel hurt at some point. Maybe me. Maybe Erin. Maybe others. Maybe all of us.

If I want to fully embrace the game of life, there’s no getting around that. It’s a risk.

But I can’t live my life cowering under the covers like Shaggy and Scooby. I’m gonna be kick-ass Fred.

You just know Fred was all over Daphne and Velma in the back of the Mystery Machine.

Hmmm… I wonder if Mystery has a Mystery Machine.

Monogamy

I have nothing against monogamy in general. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for almost 15 years. Those years have involved an awesome amount of growth and joy.

If you’re monogamous and happy about it, that’s terrific. If I thought monogamy sucked, I wouldn’t have stuck with it for so long.

At this particular time in my life, I feel ready to move on from monogamy though. I can see that it would be the wrong path for me in the years ahead.

Some people have asked if I’m bored with my current relationship situation. That’s an overly simplistic way of looking at it, but overall that’s reasonably accurate.

Some people suggested the general prescription of spicing things up a bit and staying monogamous. The spice isn’t the problem though. The issue is what’s beneath the spice.

I’ve gone through enough life lessons to know when it’s time to spice up my life by adding/changing projects and activities vs. doing a complete overhaul. In this case, it’s clear that it’s time for a complete overhaul of my approach to intimate relationships.

Dropping monogamy is going to be a pretty radical change for me, much like when I switched careers from game development to personal development. This is going to impact every part of my life in a big way, as well as the lives of Erin and my kids. It’s going to be a lot of work to navigate this transition. I have no delusions that this will be an easy change.

Marriage

Marriage and monogamy are two different concepts, so let’s be careful not to confuse them.

In contrast to monogamy, I think marriage is an unnecessary legal institution that does more harm than good.

I got married to Erin when I was 26 years old. We met when I was 22. If I had it to do all over again, knowing what I now know, I wouldn’t have gotten married.

What can I say? I goofed. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Of course, the year after I got married, I also went bankrupt, so perhaps those weren’t my best decision-making years.

I very much like the notion of long-term, committed relationships. I think long-term relationships are wonderful. I just think marriage is a poor vehicle for expressing them.

Marriage might be an okay vehicle for some people. I certainly know some pretty conscious married people. However, in the long run, it’s very easy for marriage to become a consciousness-lowering bugaboo. Of the very conscious people I know who are married, I think their growth would likely accelerate if they stopped being married, myself included.

The failure rate for marriages is pretty high. In the USA most marriages end in divorce, and of those that don’t, probably most of those couples would be happier in the long run if they did get divorced. History also demonstrates that as divorce becomes easier and more accessible, more people are willing to end their marriages. So the overall track record of marriage, at least in modern times, isn’t particularly good.

The institution of marriage is simply too far out of sync with the realities of human relationships.

That being said, I’m actually glad I got married. Huh? The reason I say that is that being married for so long (almost 11 years) has helped me understand and relate to other people who are married. I rather like that I can share my thoughts about marriage as an insider. There’s just no way I could understand the realities of marriage if I hadn’t experienced it firsthand. Obviously with only one marriage under my belt, I may not be the world’s greatest expert on the subject, but it’s a lot better than having zero experience.

You probably don’t want to know how many married people emailed me in the past couple days to say, “I’ve been married X years, and I can totally relate to all the things you’re saying with respect to polyamory. I’ve had many of those same feelings myself, and I applaud you for being so open and honest about it. I just don’t think my partner would ever understand if I tried to discuss this with him/her. Please keep writing about this — it helps me a lot to know I’m not alone in having these feelings.” Suffice it to say there was a lot of feedback.

It might interest you to know that this feedback came from men and women about equally — if we compensate for the demographic split of my readership (which is about 65% male).

The problem with marriage is that it pushes relationships into the realm of law, and that’s a huge no-no because that runs contrary to conscious choice. Just to be clear, I’m referring to legal law here, not divine law. Coupled with societal pressure, marriage applies an inappropriate form of force to relationships.

To our credit, Erin and I discussed this problem to some degree before we got married. In our wedding vows, we actually declined to include the phrase “till death do us part.” It seemed unreasonable to commit in advance to being married for a lifetime, especially since we were both going through lots of growth and change.

Erin once told me that Wiccans use the phrase “as long as our love shall last.” We didn’t use that phrasing ourselves, but I think we used something similar. The idea was that the status of our marriage should be subservient to the status of our relationship, not the other way around.

My long-term relationship with Erin has been wonderful. I still want it to continue.

My marriage to Erin, however, has had its share of issues. I’ve often felt trapped and constricted by the legal and societal ramifications of marriage. People relate to you differently when you get married. That can get a bit wearing after a while. Sometimes it feels like marriage is some sort of disease. Once you’ve been infected by it, you’re expected to cocoon yourself in a special part of society with other married people. You gain some things, but you also lose freedoms. This runs contrary to conscious living, which requires the freedom to make conscious choices.

My experience has been that marriage closes more doors than it opens. Your experience may vary, and that’s perfectly fine. I’m just sharing my own experience. I’m sure I’m not the only married person who feels this way.

I stopped wearing my wedding ring a long time ago. Occasionally I’ll wear it as a piece of jewelry, but the ring’s symbolic meaning is something I no longer connect with. I see it as a symbol of attachment and restriction, not a symbol of conscious living. In my opinion, wearing a wedding ring as a symbol that I’m attached to one and only one person runs contrary to the principle of Oneness.

In lieu of a wedding ring, I’d prefer to wear a ring that says I’m connected to all of humanity… or to life itself. But presently I don’t find it necessary to wear a symbol for something I feel intuitively. Maybe later…

Marriage has a very possessive aspect to it. My wife. My husband. It’s like you become someone’s custodial property. You are “spoken for” and “attached.” Does that mean no one else can connect to you in the same way? If you’re attached, does that mean you can’t enjoy new intimate connections?

In practice marriage serves as more of a barrier to intimacy than an enabler of intimacy.

If you find my views on marriage offensive in some way, I understand that. There’s no need to defend yourself though because I’m not attacking you. Just spend some time thinking about this, and get in touch with your true feelings about it. If you find the legal institution of marriage an attractive choice, then by all means get married if that’s what you want. Just don’t go dark and take the relationship behind the marriage for granted.

Again, I think long-term committed relationships are great. But the current legal and societal institution of marriage is a poor vehicle for conscious, committed relationships.

I think it’s rather appropriate that Las Vegas is filled with wedding chapels. Much like gambling, marriage can be quite a seductive vice.

Family and kids

Some people clearly have something in their craw about how polyamory might affect my kids. It’s weird to see people get all worked up about all the potential damage that will be done… especially when they’ve never met Erin, myself, or our kids.

This is an area where people are clearly projecting their own personal issues onto us.

Most of the negative feedback in this area is so far out of sync with reality, I can’t even relate to it. There’s just no shred of truth to grasp because such feedback has nothing to do with us whatsoever. The best response I can offer these fear-mongers is a eye roll. Maybe for good measure, I can add, “Oh, please. Get real.”

Overall I expect that this change will be very positive for my kids.

Emily and Kyle are both very social and love meeting new people. Whenever we have house guests, my kids love interacting with them.

Emily likes to ask new people, “Are you vegan?” She’s our resident vegan cop. Just say yes no matter what, and you’ll be fine.

My son Kyle loves to say to people, “Come play Halo with me, so I can kick your butt!” He’s quite a trash talker when he plays, which is pretty funny to see from a five year-old.

Past experience tells me that my kids love it when interesting, open-minded people are brought into our lives. It just means more people for them to socialize with. The extra stimulation is good for them.

If you think this is a bad idea, raise your kids differently. But it’s foolish to assume this will somehow damage my children if you’ve never spent as much as a minute with them. You’re just grasping at straws if you think that.

If you actually met my kids and got to know them, you’d have a hard time making the case that this lifestyle choice will somehow harm them.

Do you have a clue what it’s like to have a personal development expert and a psychic medium as your parents? My daughter actually goes around telling her classmates, “My Daddy is the smartest man on earth, and my Mommy talks to dead people.” Emily assumes that since I run a website and wrote a book “for Smart People” that I must be the smartest guy in the world.

When I pick up my kids from school, sometimes little girls run up to me and ask, “Emily says you’re the smartest man on earth. If that’s really true, then what’s 100 times 100?”

At least my math degree is good for something.

Keep in mind that my kids share much of my DNA. First, that alone should scare you. Secondly, if you try to convince them they’re going to be damaged by my choices, they’ll just laugh at you. Then my son will proceed to kick your butt at Halo, after which he’ll give you a very loving hug to cheer you up.

Polyamory

What draws me to polyamory is that it aligns very well with the 7 universal growth principles in my book. This means that pursuing polyamory is likely to be a major positive growth experience for me. If I don’t pursue it, I’d be turning my back on my own path of conscious growth.

Let’s consider each principle briefly… my version of briefly, that is.

Truth - Polyamory can be practiced with total openness and honesty and no deception. It’s been practiced for millennia. It’s a natural part of our heritage as human beings. To turn our backs on it and demonize it is nonsensical. That’s our social conditioning talking, not authentic truth. Without polyamory you probably wouldn’t even be here.

Love - Polyamory means many loves. Creating and maintaining authentic, loving connections is its very core. Polyamory resonates with me emotionally and spiritually. It’s something I’d love to experience, and it can be a wonderful thing to share with others who are willing to do so. So it gets a big checkmark from this principle.

Power - Will polyamory be empowering? It will be a major growth experience to learn about it and practice it, so regardless of what degree of success I enjoy, it will empower me to grow. It will also require me to further develop my self-discipline, my communication skills, and more. This is a path that will surely build strength, not one that will feed weakness.

Oneness (Love + Truth) - Polyamory is more aligned with Oneness than monogamy. Monogamy is exclusive, while polyamory is inclusive. Connections that would otherwise be blocked can be accepted. Polyfidelity (being in a closed polyamorous relationship) is less inclusive, but it’s still more inclusive than monogamy.

Authority (Truth + Power) - Since polyamory is experiential, it aligns wonderfully with the principle of Authority. It involves consciously authoring new relationships. My personal authority in the area of relationships will expand much more on a polyamorous path than it would in a single monogamous relationship, if only due to the greater experiential abundance. By writing about my experiences, I can share the lessons learned, which will benefit thousands of others too. This is all very good.

Courage (Love + Power) - Is this the courageous path or the cowardly path? It should be pretty obvious that going polyamorous, and especially writing about it along the way, takes Courage. In my case I need a lot more Courage to go polyamorous than I’d need to stay monogamous. This is definitely a path with a heart. You may find that monogamy requires more Courage for you personally, and that’s fine. In my case monogamy would be the more timid route since that would merely require a continuation of the status quo. Polyamory is the level 30 beast that intimidates my level 20 character.

Intelligence (Truth + Love + Power) - Is polyamory an intelligent choice? Yes, if the path is followed truthfully, lovingly, and powerfully, it can produce positive growth for everyone involved. Going polyamorous entails developing a whole new outlet for authentic self-expression. When it works, it has the potential to become a thing of beauty. Also, by writing about it, I can potentially boost the relationship intelligence of many, many people.

One of the main reasons I’m choosing to pursue polyamory is that relative to monogamy, this path will increase my alignment with all 7 of these principles. This means I’ll grow a lot faster if I go polyamorous as opposed to remaining monogamous. It also means I’ll be able to share a lot more growth and learning with others along the way. If you’ve been reading my work for a while, I’m sure you’d agree that this change is going to inspire a lot more sharing of knowledge vs. what I’d be able to share if I maintained the status quo.

I wasn’t just blowing smoke when I wrote a book about these universal principles. I really do live my life this way. My primary aim is to become as truthful, loving, and strong in character as I can (i.e. aligned with Truth, Love, and Power)… and to share what I learn as my legacy to humanity. We’ll see how far I can get before I’m assassinated.

As I noted in my book, it’s not remotely easy to keep shifting into ever-greater alignment with these principles. But who needs easy when you can have growth instead?

Sex

Is polyamory just about the sex? For some people, sexual variety can be the primary attraction to polyamory. Overall though, this is a very immature view of intimate relationships.

Many people in the seduction community enter a polyamorous frame whereby their primary interest seems to be “sowing the wild oats.” Personally I see nothing wrong with this if it’s something you genuinely want to experience. This isn’t what polyamory is about though.

Putting your genitals first is a phase that people eventually grow out of. Sure, it can be fun to enjoy some sexual abundance for a time, but after you’ve shagged everything in sight, that superficial level of intimacy grows stale, and you’re left feeling a bit empty, wanting something more.

This pursuit leads many people back to the frame of a steady, monogamous relationship. They realize they want a deeper connection that goes beyond just having lots of sex. Even when sex is really good, by itself it can’t fulfill all your emotional needs.

Many people are really uptight about sex. Sexuality can expose a lot of self-esteem deficiencies, especially body image issues. If you aren’t ready to face those inner demons, it’s easy to blame sexuality itself. This pushes you into a fear state and leads you to adopt a control strategy as a coping mechanism. You relate to sex as something that must be controlled instead of something you can experience freely. I believe the technical term for this is being anal retentive.

I love sex. Nothing beats a good shag. But would I want to center my whole life around meeting Titan’s needs? (In case you didn’t know, every guy names his schmecky.) No… elevating sex as my highest need would be a huge step backwards. It would be dropping all the way back to eating cooked animal flesh, something I haven’t done since 1993.

I think it’s great that we have sexual desires. Our sexuality is a signal to connect with each other. Those undeniable urges push us to go outside and talk to people, sometimes to mate with them. Initially we may be drawn to do this purely for release… to satisfy this biological need. But then we move past that state and say, “Hey, connecting with people is pretty cool. I should do this more often.”

Your fear may encourage you to stay home and cocoon yourself in a comfy, cozy lair of security, but suddenly Agamemnon yanks you out the door (Persephone if you’re female). Of course you can stay home and take care of yourself, but that isn’t nearly as fun, and if that’s all you do, you’ll probably end up feeling very disconnected. I know it sucks to hear this, but you’re going to have to develop your Courage — with a capital C — if you want to get off your butt and connect with real people, sexually or otherwise.

Although social conditioning may encourage us to believe that men are more sexual than women, the truth is that women enjoy sex at least as much as men do.

It’s unfortunate that a man who gets a lot of sex is lauded as a stud, while a woman who does the same is shunned as a slut. That sort of social conditioning is really lame — it’s totally out of alignment with Truth and Love.

Personally I think of a woman who’s open with her sexuality as a studette. I have a lot of respect for women who don’t feel the need to hide their sexuality. It takes a lot of courage to go against the social grain and deal with the consequences. Believe me… I know.

It doesn’t surprise me that a few people have asserted that I’m interested in polyamory because I just want to go out and sleep with lots of women, consequences be damned. Much like the issue with raising kids I mentioned earlier, this is a pretty clear instance of projection. No one who says such things has even met me. If they spent as much as an hour with me one-on-one, they’d realize how far such statements are from reality.

People who know me personally would find this a ridiculously immature lens through which to view my decision. I recommend that the people who think this way should go back to my very first article (The Courage to Live Consciously) and start over from scratch, since obviously the message about living consciously hasn’t gotten through to them yet. Go back and chew on 2004 for a while. I’ll still be here when you’re caught up.

Physical intimacy

We all possess many channels through which we can give and receive love. Some may be highly developed, while others may be under-developed. Our strengths and weaknesses depend on where we’ve focused our self-development efforts over the years.

Physical intimacy is one of those expressive channels available to us, quite a powerful one in fact.

I’ve spent a lot of time developing my communication skills, so I know how to give and receive love through writing and speaking. I can also express love through one-on-one conversation.

Some of my friends are entertainers. They can give and receive love by making people laugh and feel good about themselves.

A chef can express love by preparing delicious meals for people to enjoy.

Every medium has a different range of expression. For example, the medium of writing can’t adequately convey tone of voice. Many times when I write something in a tongue-in-cheek manner, people who aren’t familiar with my personality will read way too much into it, interpreting my words in ways I never intended. Writing has some nice advantages like accessibility and searchability, but I can’t express the full range of my personality through writing alone.

Even my dietary choices serve as a channel for expressing love. By choosing to eat low on the food chain, I reduce the harm I inflict. I don’t torture and kill animals, and I also minimize harm to plants by (1) eating lots of fruit, which doesn’t harm the plants, and (2) eating plants directly instead of eating plant-fed animals, which would harm many more plants. Also, by sharing my choices with others, I encourage them to see if this is something they’d like to pursue as well.

Just as I developed various other outlets for giving and receiving love, I want to further develop my physical and emotional intimacy channels. Why? Because I think that working on this area of my life will help me become a more consciously loving person. Polyamory seems like an ideal way to push myself forward in these areas.

I’ve gotten really good at connecting with people en masse. I know how to write articles that help large numbers of people worldwide. Having this ability entails a great deal of responsibility, so I want to keep improving.

I want to learn how to connect with people ever more deeply, and I can’t develop that skill through one-to-many media like writing and speaking alone. Instead I need to explore a deeper level of one-on-one interaction, not just with one person but with many different people. With a single person, my calibration will always be limited. I need to connect with different people in different ways in order to more deeply understand the core “soul” of human beings.

I think polyamory is an excellent way to accomplish this. There are other steps I can take too, like doing one-on-one coaching work, and I plan to start doing that too this year. However, the depth that coaching can reach isn’t anywhere near what can be gained by exploring intimate relationships that are both physical and emotional.

Of course there are plenty of other ways we can give and receive love. Polyamory is just one of many possible paths. At this time it’s the path I feel most drawn to explore.

If you feel there are better ways to give and receive love than what I’m doing, by all means, go pursue those avenues. I’m delighted with the path I’m on, but it may not be suitable for you. You’ll need to find your own way.

Selfishness

Is polyamory a selfish choice? I think those who frame it like that are coming from a place of wrestling with their own selfishness.

I feel inspired by my current level of giving, and I want to expand upon that. This is a journey that I believe will be wonderful to share… on multiple levels.

Developing this part of myself and sharing my journey openly with others is such a beautiful blend of giving and receiving.

If I wanted to be selfish, I’d keep all of my discoveries and realizations to myself, so I’d have a competitive advantage over others. But that would pull me out of alignment with Oneness, so it makes no sense to go that route.

To label this journey a selfish one is simply ignorant. I suspect those who label it this way are having issues coming to terms with their own desire for greater physical intimacy. Consequently, they attack me because I’m a symbol that reminds them of their inner discontent.

Realize that intimacy isn’t selfish if you’re sharing value with your partner. Thoughts of selfishness only arise if you’re coming at this from a frame of low self-esteem, whereby you’re assume that you’re taking something from other people and offering no value in return.

Instead, try coming at this from the frame that you are a worthy person, and anyone who gets to enjoy a relationship with you is very fortunate indeed. You don’t have to be arrogant and showy about it. Just stop acting like you have nothing of value to share. You have many gifts to give. Simply giving someone your full attention is a tremendous gift. Fully accepting someone as they are is another gift.

The most selfish thing you can do is to withdraw from others and keep all your tremendous value to yourself. Connecting with others is your gift to share, so get out there and share it!

Relationships with women

It will take me a while to figure out what types of relationships with women I want to cultivate. I can’t even classify all the possibilities because there are too many to consider.

One of the roles that comes up for me a lot is that of being a teacher. I enjoy this pattern overall, but in an intimate relationship, it needs to be balanced, with both people serving as teachers and students for each other. Otherwise it can too easily degrade into an unbalanced rescuer-victim pattern.

Overall the co-teaching pattern is a very positive one that helps both people grow. I enjoy many friendships that follow this pattern, whereby my friends and I mentor each other in different ways.

I’ve fallen into the rescuer pattern a few times during the past year, not in physically intimate relationships but in friendships. In the end it just ends up biting me. It’s hard for me not to want to help people in need, but if I do this from a rescuer frame, it disempowers the person I’m helping and delays their growth lessons. So I know I need to be careful to avoid falling into this trap.

Overall the general relationship pattern I enjoy most is one of shared mutual growth. This includes teaching each other things as well as sharing new growth experiences together. This is one of the patterns that my relationship with Erin follows when we’re at our best.

For example, I’d love to connect with a woman who really likes to travel. Erin enjoys traveling to an extent, but whereas I prefer going to places I’ve never been before, Erin likes returning to places she knows she likes. She seems to have more of a nesting instinct than I do. We talked about taking a weekend trip later this month. Erin wants to return to San Francisco (we were last there about 3 years ago), whereas I’d prefer to go somewhere I’ve never been to like Seattle.

This is an area where polyamory could be a big improvement. My travel resiliency is much greater than Erin’s, so I could meet her needs as a travel companion and still have plenty of wanderlust to share with someone else. Obviously I always have the option of traveling alone or with friends, but part of what I love about traveling is the chance to enjoy new experiences with an intimate companion. I really want to get out and see more of the world, but I wouldn’t want to do that solo for long, and there are certain types of trips where Erin would wear out long before I would. I enjoy lots of go-see-do as opposed to relaxing trips where you might sit by the pool reading a book.

Initially I’ll just have to stay open-minded and experiment. At this point I really can’t predict what kind of ongoing relationship situation will result from this pursuit. My best bet is probably to connect with a woman who’s open to having some fun, new experiences and who isn’t afraid to stretch herself.

Relationships with men

Several people asked me about having deeper relationships with men. What does this mean to me, and how would I incorporate deeper male relationships into my life?

Just to clarify in case you didn’t know, I’m 100% straight. I can’t recall any time in my life where I seriously harbored any gay or bisexual thoughts. I have no qualms with people who are gay or bisexual. This just isn’t something I have an interest in experiencing personally. I have a lot of respect for people who follow such alternative lifestyles because they have so many delicious growth challenges/opportunities. I don’t have too many gay friends, so my knowledge in this area is very limited. Consequently, I don’t have much to say about this because I have no personal experience to go on.

With respect to physical intimacy, I’m only interested in connecting with women. That’s simply where my heart leads. I feel a strong physical attraction toward certain women but not to men. I can appreciate the male body as a creation of beauty, but I wouldn’t want to find one lying naked next to me.

Nevertheless, I can still enjoy a strong emotional intimacy with another man. Due to the nature of my work, many men have shared some pretty intimate stuff with me over the years. The intimacy I feel toward other men is different than what I experience with women though.

In some ways the intimacy I share with men doesn’t go as deep as what I experience with women. There’s something about the male-female connection when physical attraction is part of the equation that helps create a deeper bond. This is something I really want to explore more fully… hence my decision to pursue polyamory.

On another level, I’m actually able to enjoy deeper emotional intimacy with men. There’s a certain “guy code” that men have with each other that very few women seem to grasp. Our gender has its own shared culture that is quite amazing. I revealed some of this when I wrote the article How to Be a Man. I’m sure a lot of these gender differences are socially conditioned, but that doesn’t make them any less real as part of the experience of growing up male.

There are certain things that men simply don’t have to explain to each other which makes man-to-man communication pretty straightforward, but which would normally require a lot of explanation to get a woman to understand (and the attempt will often be unsuccessful).

A few years ago, Erin was playing on online role-playing game, and she started playing a male character. She joined an all-male team, and she noticed that the other guys would totally change their communication style as soon as a female character joined the group. Once the female left and it was presumably all guys again, the guys changed back. Erin found this fascinating.

Not all guys change their communication styles like this, but it’s definitely very common.

A good example of guy code would be the sort of stuff that’s shared in the seduction (or pick-up artist) community. This is a gross generalization to be sure, so please forgive it for being so, but there are certain things shared in that community which can serve as very empowering growth lessons for men… but which a woman would often find offensive, untrue, or preposterous. Deep down, however, men simply want to learn how to get better at connecting with women.

What you may not realize is that the most effective advice on how to connect with women almost invariably comes from men, not from women themselves. It’s fairly well-established in the seduction community that if you ask a woman what women find most attractive, you’re very likely to receive honest, heartfelt advice that sounds reasonable but which utterly backfires when you try to apply it. The extraordinary truth is that a man who’s very good with women actually understands women significantly better than most women do. I suspect that statement also holds true if you reverse all the gender words.

As it turns out, connecting with men and with women are two sides of the same coin. Some of my deepest connections with other men arise when we’re discussing women. Women absolutely fascinate us guys, and we spend a lot of time and energy trying to figure you out.

Unfortunately, the social conditioning that men and women receive tends to make us really bad at connecting with each other. We get so skewed in our beliefs about each other that when we’re told the truth about how to connect, point blank, we dismiss it as, “No, that can’t be right.”

When it’s at its best, the seduction community teaches men how to communicate with women in such a manner as to bypass all the blocks and shields that many women create out of habit. The end result is that a genuine connection of intimacy can be shared and enjoyed. If our social conditioning didn’t obstruct us from connecting with each other, there would be no need for a seduction community with such a massive number of resources being created. Some guys are paying thousands of dollars for this info.

The more I can deepen my relationships with women, the more I can deepen my connections with men too. Some of the most authentic man-to-man communication occurs when men are discussing women and relationships. As I improve my ability to connect with women, I simultaneously improve my ability to connect with men. One of the best things one guy can do for another guy is to help him become better at connecting with women (assuming we’re talking about straight men of course).

So even though my sexual attraction to women is different than with men, to me this isn’t an either-or pursuit. I can’t grow closer to men without also growing closer to women, and vice versa. These different sexual polarities may involve different connection strategies, but they’re completely compatible. This aligns beautifully with the principle of Oneness.

I’ve seen this play out over many years in my relationship with Erin. The better I get at connecting with Erin, the better I am at connecting with other men too.

Want to improve your relationships with men? Work on connecting more deeply with women. Want to improve your relationships with women? Work on connecting more deeply with men. The two pursuits are inseparable.

Reaction from others

Obviously polyamory is a subject that can polarize people, but causing controversy isn’t my goal here. I’m living my life in the way I feel is best, and I’m honestly sharing my growth experiences along the way. I know many people are helped by this sharing process. A few lives have even been saved by it — no joke.

Overall, I’m impressed that most of the feedback — about 80% I’d say — is very positive, encouraging, and supportive. A lot of people are very, very curious about this and want to know more. Many have already walked this path or are walking it now, so I’m receiving many new leads to follow, including articles and books to read and people to connect with.

If you’re supportive of this journey I’m taking, thank you so much. I really do appreciate it.

If you happen to have a strong personal objection to what I’m doing, I understand that. I won’t hold it against you if you genuinely feel that way. But please try to understand that I can’t join you at that level of thinking, and I have no interest in debating polyamory with you if you’re personally opposed to it.

These are challenging issues to be sure. It’s tough having someone question the way you’re living your life, nudging you to consider alternatives, even if it’s done indirectly. That can feel very uncomfortable. I know because I’ve been on the receiving end many, many times. The worst thing anyone can possibly do to you is to raise your awareness of something you don’t feel ready to face.

My personal choices don’t invalidate the path you’ve been following thus far. You’re perfectly fine as you are right now. You don’t have to change your whole life around if you don’t want to.

If you really can’t handle what I’m doing though, then please don’t willingly expose yourself to it. Following what I’m doing is totally optional, so if you continue to read what I share on this topic, I must assume that on some level, you have a personal interest in learning about polyamory, whether or not you’re willing to acknowledge it. I’m not going to try to trick you, so if you wish to avoid being exposed to such content, it should be easy enough to avoid it based on the article titles. While polyamory will obviously be a major focus of mine for some time to come, I intend to share info on other topics as well, just as I did last year.

Regardless of any personal objections you may have, please understand that I’m quite comfortable with my decision, and I intend to move forward with it.

Immersion

As you can probably assume if you’ve been following my blog for a while, when I set a new direction, I really like to dive into it without delay.

At this point I’m investing a lot of time and energy in educating myself about polyamory, much as I did when I was learning how to adopt a raw diet. I’m in the same “explosion of resources” phase I was in about a year ago. It feels a bit overwhelming because there’s so much to learn, but it’s also exciting because this is the phase where I can soak up new ideas very rapidly.

One thing I’ll certainly do is to reach out and connect with others who are living polyamorously. I want to learn from people who are much further along than me at cultivating multiple intimate relationships.

If I continue to maintain a social network where virtually all of my friends are monogamous, I’ll very likely fail because I’ll have no social support.

A key lesson I learned in my efforts to switch to an all-raw diet is that if you have knowledge (Truth) plus willpower and self-discipline (Power) but you’re missing the social support (Love), you will almost certainly fail to achieve a challenging goal. Your existing social network will just pull you right back to where you were. Long-term success requires the construction of a whole new social network. It doesn’t have to replace your old network — it just has to be created.

In order to succeed on this path, I’ll need to cultivate new connections with people who are happily polyamorous. I have to learn from those who’ve done it. Fortunately, there are quite a lot of them.

Many people from this community have already reached out to connect with me over the past few years, usually because they were interested in my work. Seems only fair that I return the favor now.

I know this was quite a long article, so congrats if you made it this far. I hope you found it worth reading.

Order my NEW book Personal Development for Smart People with a discount at Amazon.com (Now Available)

© 2008 by Steve Pavlina.

As a follow-up to yesterday’s post about leaving monogamy behind in order to pursue polyamory, here are answers to some questions I’ve been asked. The last question is answered by Erin.

What effect will polyamory have on your marriage with Erin?

Since I’ve never done anything like this before, it’s hard to say. Surely it will create some new challenges to be dealt with.

Is it possible that this will lead to a break-up of our marriage? That’s a risk that can’t be denied. Maybe Erin will find it hurtful to see me in other relationships. If the reality of that becomes too much for her, then getting divorced is always an option, and we can go our separate ways.

The current reality is that I don’t want a divorce; nor does Erin. So it seems that going the polyamorous route is the best choice. Worst case, our marriage is unable to handle it, and we end up divorced, but that would have been the likely result anyway if polyamory wasn’t an option.

I can accept a separation and divorce if it happens. That’s a path I’d prefer not to take, but I’m willing to do it if it truly seems like the right choice or if Erin decides that’s what she wants. At this point though, a divorce isn’t something either of us want, so why worry about it?

I think the most likely outcome is that this experience will bring Erin and me closer together. Time will tell.

Would you want your kids to see you living a polyamorous lifestyle? How would you feel if one of them did the same thing? What kind of example would you be setting?

I don’t see any reason to hide it from them. I’d explain it to them to the degree I felt they could understand it. My daughter (age eight) would probably find it interesting, but I doubt it would bother her. My son (age five) probably wouldn’t care as long as I can still play Halo 3 with him.

I want to teach my kids to live consciously and make their own choices. So if one of them make some non-mainstream lifestyle choices like polyamory, I’d be happy for them if it was what they wanted. I don’t need my kids to turn out a certain way. Their path of growth will be different than mine, but I would love them no matter what.

I don’t think that being a good father is about teaching your kids how to be like everyone else. I think it has to do with teaching your kids to love and value their own uniqueness.

Note that our family lives in Las Vegas, not the Bible Belt. Lots of children here are being raised in non-nuclear families. Our kids have had many play dates with other children whose parents are divorced. In fact, I’d say that’s more common than nuclear family situations.

How would you feel if Erin went polyamorous? Wouldn’t you be jealous?

I can’t even fathom reacting with jealousy because jealousy is rooted in the consciousness of scarcity, and I simply don’t resonate at that level. I think of sharing love in terms of abundance, not scarcity.

If Erin wanted to make love to someone else, that would be wonderful. It would be great to see her and her partner happy. It’s a beautiful thing when people come together to share love with each other.

How could Erin’s decision to share her love with someone else possibly diminish me in any way? That kind of thinking comes from such a low-level place of neediness, I just can’t relate to it. It’s a totally alien mindset. It makes no sense if you welcome abundance into your life.

If Erin turned her attention to someone else and withdrew some of her attention from me, that wouldn’t upset me because I have limitless opportunities to invite love into my life whenever I want. How could I possibly feel lonely and disconnected on a planet of billions of people… unless I’ve intentionally chosen to cut myself off with a mindset of scarcity?

When Erin does her intuitive readings, she shares her love and connection with other people. These sessions can be very emotionally intimate. Should I feel jealous about that? Goodness no. It feels great to know that Erin is out there sharing her love and gifts with others. This doesn’t diminish me when this happens. It elevates all of us.

How would it be any different if she shared physical intimacy with other people? Why draw the line at physical intimacy but not emotional intimacy? Am I supposed to put Erin in a cage to keep her from loving other people?

The principle of Oneness says that we’re all part of the same whole. When two parts of that whole come together in love, it enhances the other parts. It doesn’t diminish them. If you’re feeling jealous, then you’re automatically out of alignment with Oneness, which means you’re headed away from positive growth.

Would you require your other relationship partners to be monogamous with you?

Of course not. That would be a double-standard. If I’m polyamorous, I’d be happy connecting with other polyamorous women as well.

If a woman wanted to be monogamous with me because it made her happy to do so, that’s fine, but this isn’t something I need.

Isn’t polyamory the same thing cheating on your marriage?

How can it be cheating if this is something Erin and I both agreed to? Obviously polyamory goes beyond the boundaries of a traditional monogamous marriage, but if we consciously redefine those boundaries ourselves, then it makes no sense to label it cheating.

Marriage is a human institution. Unconditional love is a spiritual truth. I’d rather align my relationships with the spiritual and not worry so much about the human-side labels.

Isn’t polyamory illegal?

You’re confusing polyamory (loving multiple partners) with polygamy (having multiple spouses). Polygamy may be illegal in the USA, although it’s still practiced in some areas like parts of Utah.

Polyamory is perfectly legal.

Do you think monogamous relationships are problematic in general?

I believe in conscious choice. I can see that staying monogamous is wrong for me at this time. You’re free to decide what’s best for you. I don’t think there’s one right answer for everyone.

The principle of Love says that your path of growth requires you to connect with your truest, deepest desires. You must move toward what you want. If you truly want to be in a monogamous relationship, awesome — move toward that. If you want to be polyamorous, great — move toward that instead. If you want to pursue a totally different path like celibacy, also great.

The only wrong answer is to turn your back on your heart’s desire. If you do that, you’re turning your back on Love, which will pull you out of alignment with the principles of Oneness and Courage too. In the long run, this will leave you feeling very disconnected.

I’m a committed Christian, and I can’t handle what you’ve written. I can’t watch you violate the Sacrament of Marriage. I’m unsubscribing from your blog forever. You will go to hell for your choices.

Spoken like a true Christian. Tell Jesus I said hi.

According to other Christians, I’ve been served up about a hundred other eternity-in-hell sentences, so this doesn’t really change anything.

I don’t suppose hell serves raw food, but I’m pretty sure demonesses are polyamorous.

And by the way, that wasn’t really a question.

Why do you feel the need to love other people?

Love doesn’t like to be bottled up and confined. It has a tendency to want to expand.

I could shut down my blog and only share my writing with Erin. But I enjoy being a polyamorous writer more than a monogamous one.

It makes sense to me that I should share other forms of love with more than one person as well.

If I’m not selfish with my writing, why should I be selfish with other expressions of love?

What interest, if any, do you have in the seduction (pick-up artist) community?

A few years ago I had no idea that community even existed. What happened was that people from that community began taking an interest in my blog, probably sometime in 2005 or 2006. I started getting emails from aspiring pick-up artists who liked my articles. Eventually I was drawing a lot of interest from that community and was seeing my articles discussed often on seduction-related blogs and online forums.

This made me curious, so I began looking in that community in 2008, including reading some books like The Game. I met one of the people from that book several months ago, and I’ll be meeting another guy from that book later this month.

The seduction community has what you might call a dark side and a light side. The dark side teaches techniques rooted in deception to get women into bed. It’s partly about sex and partly about control and dominance.

The light side is about helping men become more authentic, to build social courage, and to feel good about the value they have to offer women.

Most of that community is stuck somewhere in the gray area. It’s not strongly polarized either way. Consequently, people are going to get a lot of mixed results when they try to apply it.

The light side of that community fits nicely with my work because it aligns with the core principles of Truth, Love, and Power. The dark side of that community is misaligned with these principles though. For example, I’d never encourage a guy to use an opening line that was a lie (such as “Hey, did you see the fight outside?”) because that would violate the principle of Truth. Using canned material is also very fear-based.

However, for many guys the seduction community is a path of self development and can produce many positive effects. What people get out of it has a lot to do with their polarity leanings. Are they trying to get something (sex, validation, attention) from other people? Or are they looking to reach out, connect, and share love?

I see many ways that I could expand on the material in the PUA community by helping to clarify a love-polarized model of connecting with people, enjoying relationships, and sharing physical intimacy. I’ll likely write something on this subject this year.

In terms of using PUA techniques in my own life though, most would be of limited use to me in terms of going polyamorous. Many of the techniques have to do with building self-esteem and feeling good about your value, which haven’t been issues for me personally. My challenges will likely be different than what most people in that community have to deal with, mainly due to my lifestyle. Perhaps my greatest relationship challenge would be to find a woman who’s compatible with me in terms of her values. For example, if I saw a woman eat a piece of animal flesh, it would gross me out, and I’d probably consider her unkissable.

A number of people I’ve connected with in the seduction community seem very conscious and growth-oriented, so I’m definitely open to meeting more of them. I prefer face-to-face meetings when possible — I do enough online communicating as it is. I’m meeting a few people from that community in Vegas later this month. I enjoy discussing social dynamics.

How does Erin REALLY feel about this?

Erin will answer that in her own words:

I know people are wondering how I feel about Steve’s desire to change our monogamous relationship into one that is polyamorous. I want to share with everyone how I feel about the situation and to answer some of the asked and unasked questions I’m sure are rolling around in people’s minds.

Steve and I have been in a committed monogamous relationship for nearly 15 years. We’re best friends, lovers, and partners with similar goals in life. We want to teach people to live consciously, to be loving, and to remember where they came from and who they really are. Part of that process includes bringing awareness to how we are socially conditioned to think, believe, and behave. It hasn’t always been easy living with someone who constantly wants to test his own boundaries, someone whose desire for personal growth supersedes all, and someone who does not care what others think about him.

The first time Steve challenged me was when he told me he wanted to go from being vegetarian to vegan and raise our future children that way. I felt threatened, I felt scared, and a part of me was angry about him wanting to change what was already so good. We nearly broke up over it. But one day I realized that I was rejecting something I hadn’t even tried, because of fear. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life time, it’s to never make decisions based on fear. So I told him I would give it a try for 30 days. Long story short, I went vegan quite happily, and we’re raising our children vegan today, without the fear that threatened me so long ago. I shudder when I think of what I could have denied myself just because I was afraid of change, afraid to test my boundaries, afraid to explore something new.

Many times over the years Steve continued to challenge himself and his personal growth. Going raw, trying polyphasic sleep, writing about very controversial topics, etc. Whenever I would balk or express concern he would remind me that I knew what I was getting into when I married him. Indeed, I did. Many times over the last 15 years I’ve had to ask myself this question, “Do you regret choosing this life with Steve?” The answer is no. I have no regrets. I chose to be with a powerful man on purpose. I chose someone like Steve because the path I’ve chosen for myself requires great courage, love, truth, and compassion. Courage was something I did not have when Steve first met me, but it is something I’ve been able to learn through him.

So now we come to love and intimacy. When I first met Steve he admitted to me that he didn’t know how to love. His upbringing simply didn’t include it. But mine did. I grew up in a very loving home, with parents who obviously loved each other. I was a very loving person. So when Steve told me he didn’t know how to love, I simply replied, “Then I’ll teach you.” And I did. Today Steve knows how to open his heart honestly and with great depth. So he taught me courage, and I taught him how to love.

Although Steve shares himself openly through his blog, he does not engage in intimate relationships with other people besides me. I’ve always thought this was a shame. I don’t want to keep him to myself. I want him to enjoy the connection and closeness that he has with me with other people too. I already have many intimate relationships with other people, though these relationships are not physically intimate. I’ve never felt a desire to have intimate physical relations with other people, but I have definitely cultivated intense and intimate relationships with men and women in ways that do not include sex. It’s very easy for me to connect deeply with other people. Steve has never tried to stop me or interfere with me having these relationships. They are friendships, but they are intense and deep relationships too.

Steve’s primary love strategy is physical affection. I know that intimacy for him is not complete unless there is physical touch involved. So I know that were Steve to develop intimate relationships with other people that it would be a natural expression for him to involve touch or even sex with other partners. I do not feel diminished by the idea of him sharing himself with another human being. Our love is secure and complete. Polyamory is an extension of our relationship, not a replacement for it.

Steve is not looking for one night stands or casual sex. He’s seeking greater intimacy with other human beings. Anyone that he brings into the relationship will be relating to me as well. He’s not going to hide what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with. The person or people he brings into the relationship will have to be mature, conscious, and understand exactly what they are getting into. I’m not opposed to exploring sex with other people should the situation arise. There’s a lot of unexplored sexuality in me as well, including the possibility of having sex with other women.

Is there some fear? Yes, there is some fear. My ego is having a field day with this one. “What if he finds someone he likes more than you?” “What if he stops spending time with you and the kids?” “What if someone comes along who takes him away from you forever?” Knowing it’s my ego talking to me, I can say back to it, “I know you’re trying to protect me from a future pain that you think is coming. I love and appreciate your desire to protect me, but there is no need. I will not dwell in fear.”

I took some time to connect with my higher self because I was more interested to hear what she had to say than what my ego had to say. We had a lovely conversation. Here is what she expressed to me:

Love is boundless and expansive. It should not be contained. It is not meant for love to live in compartments, but to be shared openly and honestly with all. The more that love is shared, the greater the unity among you. Marriage is a man-made construct, like religion or language. Anything that constricts love is not in alignment with oneness. You can never be diminished when love is shared. Indeed you are diminished when love is controlled or when you try to own another’s heart.

You came here to teach people how to love. Not just how to love one person, but to love all, including themselves. You have an opportunity to show people that love knows no bounds, to show people that love shared is love multiplied. You are love, and you are loved. Channel this message to others.

I have learned to put myself in a high state of awareness and consciousness whenever I need to process something that is causing me fear. If I stayed in my fear state, I would be very panicked and unsure of myself right now. When I remind myself that Steve is not taking his love somewhere else, but simply expanding his field to include others, I feel blessed to be with a man who has the courage to explore life honestly even if it means defying social norms. It’s all part of his path to make the world a more conscious and loving place.

Growth is not always easy, but it is always worth it.

Order my NEW book Personal Development for Smart People with a discount at Amazon.com (Now Available)

© 2008 by Steve Pavlina.

In this post I’m going to share some things I’ve never shared publicly before, some of which you might find a bit surprising.

At the start of each new year, I like to pick a primary focus for the upcoming year. I prefer doing this instead of making a New Year’s resolution because it’s more effective for me. By primary focus I’m referring to a single area of my life where I want to make a major advance in my personal growth efforts.

I find that by picking just one area and by applying strategies like immersion and overwhelming force, I can take a quantum leap forward in that area and then lock in the gains. This has been much more effective for me than trying to make modest gains in multiple areas. Usually when I aim for several small changes, I only perpetuate the status quo. It’s like if someone throws you a ball, you can catch it, but if you’re thrown three balls at once, you get confused and fumble all of them.

In 2008 my primary focus was to improve my diet and health, which was probably obvious if you read my blog during the past year. In retrospect that turned out to be an awesome decision. I successfully converted to a raw vegan diet, after eating a cooked vegan diet since 1997. Although weight loss wasn’t my primary goal, I dropped 15 pounds from where I was at this time last year. I feel wonderful physically and emotionally, I have more energy and mental clarity than ever, and I love the food I’m eating. (As I write this, I’m enjoying a tasty shake made from bananas, brazil nuts, and water.) I’ve also made many great new friends in the raw food community.

It certainly took a lot of time and effort — and help from others — to make this transition. But I’m very happy with the results thus far.

After leveling-up my character in this area, it’s time pick a different area of focus for 2009. I’ve decided that my core focus for 2009 will be intimate relationships.

This will take a bit of explaining…

Some Relationship Background

You may have noticed that I haven’t written a great deal about intimacy and relationships since I started blogging. There have been a handful of articles like Soulful Relationships, and I wrote a chapter about relationships in my book, but overall I haven’t written a ton about relationships relative to other topics. Also, I haven’t shared too many details about my marriage to Erin and how we manage our relationship. That might seem odd because Erin and I have been together almost 15 years now.

I get a ton of requests for articles about relationships, so it isn’t due to lack of interest.

The main reason I haven’t written much about this topic is that it was a part of my life where I had more confusion than clarity, and I didn’t want to give out phony advice that wouldn’t work. It’s also an area of my life where I’ve felt stuck for many years. It wasn’t until recently that I finally figured out how and why I was stuck and what I should do about it.

As I alluded to a couple days ago in the Overcoming Indecision article, we create growth forks of indecision when deep down, we know which path to take, but we don’t feel ready to accept it yet. My big challenge wasn’t really about deciding what to do. For me the really hard part was accepting the next step on my path. For reasons I’ll soon explain, I had a very difficult time coming to terms with a path that felt a little too overwhelming for me.

If you hold very traditional, mainstream views about relationships and especially marriage, then you probably won’t like what I’m about to say. My guess is that you’ll be inclined to frame this in a rather non-accepting, resistant way. And that’s okay if you feel that’s a reaction you need to have. That being said, please understand that I’ve already moved through this phase myself, so there’s no need to bother sending me a critical email to share your discontent and/or concern. I don’t want you to waste your time crafting a lengthy response that won’t actually be read, so if you feel inclined to do that sort of thing, please don’t.

Marriage

Erin and I have been together since 1994, married since 1998. We got married on the four-year anniversary of the day we met. In all that time, our marriage has been monogamous with no cheating or affairs or anything like that.

Erin and I are very much in love. I love her, and I know she loves me. Throughout our relationship, I’ve never doubted that she loved me.

Erin is my best friend. I feel I can talk to her about anything. We often talk for hours — about our lives, our careers, and how we can help the planet. I never get bored spending time with her. She’s one of the most conscious and interesting people I’ve ever known. I find her totally fascinating, and I feel grateful to have her in my life every day.

I love being married to Erin. I love that we get to spend so much time together. Our journey together has been magical.

Indecision

This may sound surprising given what I just wrote above, but a huge area of indecision in my life for years has been this question: Should I stay married to Erin, or should I get divorced and experience other relationships?

You really don’t want to know how much time I spent pondering this.

Since we have two kids, ages 5 and 8, and since we run a business together, the consequences of divorce can get pretty complicated.

The problem was that neither path intuitively felt right to me. I felt like I was stuck in a no-win situation.

Being married to Erin has been wonderful. However, we’ve grown so close over the years — to the point where we’re telepathically picking thoughts out of each other’s minds — that it’s hard to imagine growing much closer as a couple. I can’t even define what being closer to Erin would mean without us practically becoming the same person. I feel that Erin and I are closer than any other couple I’ve met.

As wonderful as our relationship has been, for a long time it has felt like something important is missing. The thought that I would never enjoy a deep, intimate relationship with any other woman really started to bother me. I felt like if I stayed married to Erin, I’d be missing out on a huge area of potential growth for the rest of my life. But more importantly, I felt that I had more love to give that was getting bottled up inside me with no good outlet for expressing it. If I stayed married to Erin, I’d have to accept that so many wonderful opportunities for love and connection with other people would never happen. I wasn’t willing to accept that.

I’m referring to both physical and emotional intimacy. For me the two are hard to separate. I can’t imagine being physically intimate with a woman without feeling deeply emotionally connected to her as well. Having sex just for the sake of orgasm feels hollow. For me the emotional bonding and the feeling of connection is an essential part of physical intimacy. There’s something magical about two souls opening themselves to each other’s presence. Consequently, a model like swinging (i.e. having sex with other couples) or just getting some extra sex on the side would be a total turnoff for me.

There have been times where I had to stop my emotional bonding with another women from leading too far into physical intimacy. In my heart I felt that’s where things were meant to go, but I always kept that door closed.

My feelings aren’t caused by any sort of deficiency in my marriage. Erin is an absolutely awesome wife. I think I would feel the same way no matter who my wife was. Erin and I are compatible on so many levels, so compatibility isn’t the issue. In the most important ways our marriage can work, it works wonderfully. The issue is that my desire to connect with women is more expansive than what can be provided by any one relationship. I want to express and share more love than I’m currently able to.

For a time I thought the only viable solution was to move into a serial monogamy situation, so I could experience multiple relationships. That felt totally wrong to me though. That would merely convert the current problem into a recurring problem.

When I thought about getting a divorce from Erin, it felt absolutely wrong to me. I have no interest in breaking up with her. We’re still totally in love with each other. I love spending my life with her. Why would I want to give that up?

For a long time, I got stuck in the trap of either-or thinking. I thought there were only two realistic options. Either I had to stay monogamous with Erin, or we had to break up so I could experience other relationships. But there was no way I could fully commit to either choice because they both felt wrong to me.

I guess another option would be to have an affair, but I could never do that in secret because that would mean turning my back on truth. So I can’t give that serious consideration. I even read an excellent book about people who have affairs in order to understand why so many people choose that path, but it didn’t change how I felt. Having an affair would be an unconscious path that would force a decision later, but I’m looking for a conscious choice I can feel good about. In general, people don’t consciously choose to have affairs; affairs almost invariably arise unconsciously.

Being in this state of indecision for so long had a negative effect on my marriage. Because I wasn’t sure what to do, I felt uncommitted to Erin. As a result I held back a lot of love I might otherwise have given her. When I was feeling very stuck, I often disconnected from her. I didn’t want to keep feeding a relationship that I thought would have to end in a break-up. I’m sure that created a lot of stress for Erin too. She’s very intuitive of course, so she knows when I’m not fully present in our marriage.

Due to the close nature of our relationship, I often discussed my feelings openly with Erin. I brought up the possibility of divorce many times. I thought that by discussing this with her, it would give me more clarity and lead to a decision that felt good. Unfortunately, it didn’t. I wasn’t trying to threaten the relationship, but I didn’t think it was a good idea to keep all of these thoughts to myself. I couldn’t just pretend everything was okay.

I read many acclaimed books on relationships, but nothing proved helpful. My relationship with Erin had already advanced beyond the stages those books addressed. Our level of closeness and connection wasn’t the problem, so trying to get closer wasn’t going to yield a solution.

This indecision also had a negative effect on me as a father. I felt disconnected from my children. Every day I’d look at Emily and Kyle, not knowing if we’d be living in the same household much longer. That was very hard for me. I know I held back a lot as a parent, and of course that made things harder for Erin as well. Just thinking about this makes me pretty sad.

I used every decision-making technique I knew, but none of them gave me an answer that felt right. I know that when my head and heart don’t agree, something is wrong. But I just didn’t know how to resolve this.

An Alternative Answer

Eventually the answer came to me. What’s really amazing is that I have to credit the answer to the gains I experienced after going 100% raw and especially after completing my juice feast about a month ago. If I didn’t take those steps, I’d probably still be feeling stuck right now.

The mental clarity gains were only part of the solution process. Actually the more important part was that I finally felt like I had the physical and emotional energy to implement the solution. Prior to making these dietary changes, whenever I caught a glimpse of the solution, I always had to reject it as insanely impractical. I just didn’t have the power needed to face that kind of truth.

My problem wasn’t really due to a lack of clarity. So it’s no wonder that trying to gain more clarity was a perpetual dead-end. The problem was that I was unwilling to accept the answer that was presenting itself. Every time it came up, I’d shove it aside with a loud, “No way!”

So what is the solution? To put it simply, I needed to replace either-or with and.

This is where we have to say goodbye to mainstream paths. This is also the point where my Puritanical readers will begin looking for a good throwing stone or an appropriate Bible verse.

I very much want to stay married to Erin, but I also want to experience intimate relationships with other women. Is it possible to do both at the same time?

As it turns out, the answer appears to be yes.

The specific nature of the answer is still foggy because I haven’t implemented anything yet, but the general solution could be labeled polyamory.

Polyamory

Polyamory simply means having multiple intimate relationships at the same time. I’m not going to dive too deep into explaining the details at this time. If you want to learn more about it, you can Google polyamory and find some good sites devoted to the topic.

In practice, polyamorous relationships can get complicated because you’re dealing with multiple partners. I believe I have a good shot of making this work. I’m a pretty conscious guy, and since I don’t have a job, I have a lot more free time than most people. Plus I love challenges.

I guess the main challenge would be finding other partners who are open to this sort of thing. Obviously it’s not very mainstream. But neither is raw food, juice feasting, being happily jobless, experimenting with polyphasic sleep, or many of other things I’ve done.

What appeals to me about polyamory is that it’s a way for people to learn to share love and connection without trying to possess each other. It feels a lot more free and open to me than a closed marriage situation.

Is this just about having sex with other people? No, if that was all I wanted, I could just go pick up some tourist women on the Strip.

The truth is that I love connecting with Erin physically and emotionally, and I want to enjoy that kind of connection with other women too. I can use self-discipline to try to deny those feelings, but that would require turning my back on the principle of Love, which is a big no-no. In this case I have to follow my heart.

Erin’s Reaction

What’s Erin’s reaction to all of this? Due to the nature of our relationship, of course I’ve talked to her about this in depth. At the present moment, she’s actually okay with it. Like I said, she’s a very conscious woman.

I expect this will deepen my relationship with Erin in the long run. Her acceptance of this already makes me feel more committed to our marriage. By taking divorce off the table, I feel like we can continue to invest in what we’ve built together.

I feel our relationship has already improved in the past few weeks. We spent a lot of time talking and snuggling today. I feel much happier about our future direction, and I think Erin does too.

In fact, to kick off the New Year, Erin and I have decided to commit to a 30-day trial of 30-60 minutes per day of physical intimacy (sex, massage, cuddling, smooching, etc). We’re normally very affectionate with each other, so we want to see what happens if we turn this into a daily practice for a month. I doubt we’ll blog about it as we go along, but I’m certainly looking forward to this trial. It seems a lot more fun than the ones I did last year.

If I don’t go this route, what’s the alternative? The alternative is that we’re back to the original either-or decision. I could stay monogamous with Erin without feeling good about it, or we could get a divorce. Regardless of how a polyamorous relationship model works out, we’re really no worse off than before. Sure there might be some added consequences, but to me the biggest deal right now is the status of our marriage. I’d like to stay married and keep our family together in one household, and I know Erin wants that too.

Being in this state of indecision for so long has held me back in a lot of ways. For example, I didn’t want to grow the business too much because it would complicate things even more if we eventually got a divorce. It sucks to have to think like that, but indecision can’t be so easily compartmentalized. It feels good to move beyond that level of thinking though.

Linear Growth

Looking back I can see that the growth fork (i.e. that prolonged state of indecision) was something I created to keep myself from moving forward because I didn’t feel ready to take the next step.

The next step in my relationship with Erin was to expand beyond sharing an intimate connection with just one person and to learn to create and share that kind of connection with other people too. Deep down I knew that was the truth, but it was a truth I felt unready to face.

Obviously I’ll have to deal with some flak from people who have issues with this new direction. But the more important issue is what will happen to my relationships with Erin and my kids.

Intuitively I sense that it’s time for me to explore other models for intimate relationships and to share what I learn along the way. The comfortable path would be to stay monogamously married and pretend everything is fine as-is. The courageous path is to reach out and attempt to share love and intimacy with more people. The courageous path is the only one with a heart.

Erin and I have basically taken our personal connection about as far as we can on our own. If we keep doing what we’ve been doing, we may enjoy some small incremental gains, but it’s doubtful that we’ll experience any major leaps. Without those kinds of growth opportunities, it’s hard for me to get excited about our relationship, and it’s hard for me to feel committed to it.

But the thought of taking the kind of deep connection that Erin and I have built with each other and creating new relationships with other women — now that’s exciting to me. But I wouldn’t just want to talk about it or write about it in a theoretical way. I have to do it. My growth style is experiential.

My heart is excited by all of this. My head needs some time to catch up, but eventually he’ll be on board. I don’t know exactly what I’ll do about this yet, but intuitively I know this is the right direction to go.

Writing about this publicly feels like a good first step. I’m sure the next step will reveal itself soon enough.

Sharing Love

Sharing love and connection is my main motivation for wanting to experience other intimate relationships. It’s not about trying to get something from other people. I don’t feel I’m coming at this from a place of neediness, at least not in the sense that I need something from other people.

What I’m feeling is that I have this massive energy source of love inside me, but I lack the channels to fully express it. I want to let it flow, but all I’m doing is keeping it bottled up. Some of it flows into my relationship with Erin of course, but there’s still more to give.

Sharing emotional intimacy is great, but I’ve felt stunted by my inability to cross the physical intimacy border and take the sharing of love and connection to a much greater level. I think some amazing things will happen by dropping that limitation from my life.

Obviously I can share love through writing, speaking, and talking with people. However, my most natural manner of expressing love is through physical intimacy, especially touch. I give Erin massages all the time. If I see her sitting on the couch, it’s hard for me not to start squeezing her. When we go to bed at night, I usually massage and cuddle her first. Sometimes I play a game to see how much massaging she can handle before she’s so sleepy that she asks me to stop. We also have sex pretty often, especially since I know how to put her into a receptive state. A foot massage always sends her to la-la land.

But I still have the capacity to share more attention and affection than Erin can receive. If I give out as much as I feel inclined to give, she eventually starts rejecting it. Consequently, I always have to hold back. Some of this desire for expressing affection gets channeled into my writing, which is a way for me to reach out and connect with lots of people, but since that medium is a mismatch for physical intimacy, I often feel stunted trying to express love through the written word.

Why can’t I just become a massage therapist on the side and touch people all day long? That wouldn’t be appropriate because in my case, sensual touch leads very naturally to sex. I’d have a hard time holding back. Touching, kissing, massage, and sex are all part of the same bundle in my mind.

Physical and emotional intimacy go hand-in-hand with me. I’m not exactly sure why, but it’s hard for me to separate the two. A physically intimate relationship with a woman would make me feel very connected with her, and I’d automatically want to connect with her emotionally as well.

I’ve no idea how easy it will be to follow this path, but at least I know that others have already done it, so hopefully I can learn something from them.

I’d never want to do anything deceptive, so I wouldn’t start a relationship on false premises, like by pretending I’m a single guy. I’d need to find women who could understand my situation without going kittywompus. I have to imagine that somewhere on this planet, there must be other women who are open to exploring physical and emotional intimacy without major hang-ups and possessiveness issues… hopefully ones who like being massaged a lot.

2009

So my main focus for 2009 will be to explore intimate relationships in more depth. I mean that experientially of course. This includes my relationship with Erin as well as creating intimate relationships with other women. I can’t say in advance what the exact nature of those relationships will be because I’ve never done anything like this before. That remains to be seen.

There may be a limit as to how much I can write about this because I’m not going to reveal info about others who might be involved w/o their permission. I may not be a very private person myself, but I respect other people’s desire for privacy. What happens in Vegas…

However, I can certainly open up and write more about relationships in 2009. I’ve learned a lot from my very conscious relationship with Erin. The things we did that brought us so close happened more than a decade ago though, so for the most part these would be pretty old lessons. But I’m sure they’d still benefit a lot of people.

If I had it to do all over again, knowing what I know now, would I still get married? No, I doubt it. The monogamous marriage model doesn’t feel right to me. I love the idea of long-term committed relationships though, but you don’t need marriage for that. I don’t see a compelling reason to get a formal divorce just on principle, but it’s fair to say that my commitment to being in a single monogamous relationship has ended.

I can’t really say where this path will lead, but I’m sure this will be another amazing year of growth and change. I could easily write 10x more about this topic, and I know there are a lot of loose ends I didn’t wrap up, but that will have to be shared later. Most of those loose ends are still loose right now, so at this point I can’t tie everything into a nice neat bundle for you.

Happy New Year! May your 2009 be filled with the discovery of new truths, a expansion of your love, and a strengthening of your power.

Order my NEW book Personal Development for Smart People with a discount at Amazon.com (Now Available)

© 2008 by Steve Pavlina.

Let’s consider a couple different scenarios you’ll encounter on your lifelong path of personal growth: linear growth and growth forks. This article will mainly focus on how to overcome the indecision you may face at a tricky growth fork.

Linear Growth

Linear growth is when you can see the next steps ahead of you fairly clearly. Figuring out where you should go next isn’t that hard. Implementation is the biggest challenge here. This doesn’t necessarily mean you can see ten steps ahead, but the next step in front of you is at least visible. Once you complete that step, the next step will soon present itself.

An example of linear growth is my long-term path of improving my diet. I started on a variation of the SAD diet, and gradually progressed to vegetarianism, veganism, and raw foodism. There was some exploration along the way of course, but most of the time I had a pretty clear idea of the “next level” I wanted to reach.

There were two independent lines of development here, but they basically pointed in the same direction. The first line was shifting from animal-based foods to plant-based foods. First I eliminated all animal flesh, and later I dropped eggs and dairy products. I’ve been eating a 100% plant-based diet for about 12 years now.

The second line of development was to graduate from processed to unprocessed foods. I progressively dropped manufactured and cooked foods and began eating closer to nature (i.e. fresh, raw whole foods). Cooking does increase the bioavailability of a few nutrients, but that can’t compensate for the hundreds of other nutrients it simultaneously destroys; on the whole cooking is nutritionally devastating to food.

Linear growth is wonderful. When you can clearly see the next steps ahead of you, you can focus on making changes instead of second-guessing your decisions. This doesn’t mean that it’s easy, but at least you can see where you’re headed.

It’s important to recognize when you’re on a linear growth track in some area of your life. Often when we’re on a linear path that’s very challenging, we’ll have a tendency to second-guess our decisions. “There must be an easier way,” we proclaim. But when we rehash the decision, we keep coming up with the same answer. We’re on the right path; it’s just a very challenging path. This is good for us though because these are the paths that push us to build focus, self-discipline, and a strong work ethic.

If you think that if a path is too hard, it must automatically be the wrong path, you’re buying into weak-mindedness and turning your back on truth. Training yourself to lift heavier weights makes you stronger. Avoiding heavy weights only makes you weaker.

Growth Forks

A growth fork is when you see two or more mutually exclusive paths ahead of you, and it’s tricky to decide which path to take. Your challenge here lies in choosing the “correct” path. Implementing your decision may still be hard, but the up-front decision is the major limiting step.

Should you attend college or start your own business? Should you marry your current relationship partner or break up and go your separate ways? Should you move to Los Angeles or New York City?

Should you choose Option A or Option B? What’s the right choice? How do you decide?

Growth forks can be very frustrating. The problem with a tricky growth fork is that it can cause your growth to stall, sometimes for years.

I’ve faced some very difficult growth forks in my life. Some of them absorbed hundreds of hours trying to figure out the correct decision, and I still felt unsure about what to do.

You can seriously wrack your brain trying to figure out the best choice. You can use different diagnostic and analytical tools to help you decide. You can ask other people for advice. You can consult with your intuition. Sometimes this helps, but in many cases the more you try to analyze the situation, the more you feed your ambivalence.

One way to visualize a growth fork is to imagine two or more alternate timelines stretching into the future, one timeline for each possible branch leading away from your decision point. Once you make the decision, you lock yourself in to a certain branch. From that moment onward, you’ll never have the freedom to experience the other branches, at least not in the same way you can now.

Indecision at Growth Forks

One reason it’s so easy to get stuck at a growth fork is that the pre-fork position offers the illusion of greater freedom than any of the post-fork decisions. This freedom often feels better than making a commitment to any one path.

For example, suppose you’re married, and you’re also having an affair on the side. Your spouse and your lover find out about each other, and now you’re pressed from both sides to choose one or the other. Many people in this situation will delay making a choice, stringing along both spouse and lover as long as possible. Why? Because the freedom of keeping both possibilities open feels better than the instant loss of either partner. Neither path seems like a clear improvement over the state of perpetual indecision.

Unfortunately, when you stay stuck at a growth fork for too long, you often lose the freedom to make a choice at all. For example, your spouse and lover both get fed up with you and dump you at the same time, so you get nothing. Your freedom to decide has been taken away. The choice has been made for you. Letting fate decide isn’t a good idea because fate often makes crappy choices.

Growth forks needn’t be huge. You may get stuck at a growth fork when faced with the question, “What should I do today?” If you remain stuck in a state of indecision for too long, pretty soon you’ll lose the freedom to decide at all. Perhaps your TV or the Internet will make the decision for you. Such indecision can cause you to waste a large portion of your life, often by letting it slip away one day at a time.

Overcoming Indecision

So how do you overcome the trap of indecision at a growth fork?

Suppose you’re playing a computer role-playing game where you control an avatar in the game world. In this game you have a lot of decisions to make. What character class will you choose? Will you explore Arendia or Algaria? Which quests will you undertake? What guild will you join?

There are a lot of decisions to be made, but few people would consider such decisions paralyzing. Can you imagine someone complaining, “I bought this game three years ago, but I haven’t started playing yet because I just can’t decide what character class I should play. I don’t know what to do!”

Instead most people will just dive in and start playing. They’ll give a little consideration to such decisions, but they’ll decide fairly quickly, perhaps even impulsively. And for the most part, the consequence is that they’ll have fun.

Sure there may be some regrets along the way. “Dammit! I never should have picked up that cursed item!” But most people will just take any setbacks in stride and keep pressing on. As a result their character goes up in levels, and they get to tackle bigger and bigger challenges. When the game gets boring, it can be retired, and the player can move on to something else.

So why do we face situations in real life that can cause us to remain terribly stuck in indecision, but when we’re just playing a game, major in-game decisions are regarded as no big deal?

Consequences

Perhaps the main factor is that in an artificial game world, the consequences of your actions are considered minimal. Regardless of what you decide, you’re not really going to be hurt. No one else is likely to be hurt either. A bad choice affects only your character, but it doesn’t affect your real self. The whole thing is just pretend. No matter what happens to your character, the real you will still be okay.

But in the real world, things are different. Your actions have bigger consequences. People can get hurt. If you screw up, you could be socially ostracized, and that can create serious consequences for you.

It’s understandable to fear such consequences because at one time in human history, if you were socially ostracized by your peers, that could be a major threat to your survival. Getting kicked out of your community for incompetent decision-making might even be a death sentence.

Today, however, the consequences of being socially ostracized aren’t nearly as severe. For example, in the USA most marriages end in divorce. And interestingly, marital satisfaction has been on the rise for decades, keeping in step with the relative ease of getting a divorce. At one time getting a divorce was considered socially unacceptable (and of course still is in some cultures), but now it’s not such a big deal. Even if your divorce messes up the lives of many people, society is robust enough to absorb the impact, and you can still press on and achieve post-divorce happiness.

Of course there are other consequences aside from being socially ostracized. You could really mess up your finances, for instance. That could put a big crimp in your lifestyle plans.

When you apply some sort of analytical process to decision-making, you’re trying to assess and compare the consequences of different possible paths. The path with the best consequence is deemed the correct choice.

Unfortunately, assessing and comparing consequences requires predicting the future. To some degree we can pull this off, but it’s tough to be accurate. Real life will seldom fit our predictions.

So we really have two problems that lead to the state of indecision. First, we consider the consequences of certain real-life decisions to be serious and important. Second, we try to predict which consequences are best. This is how we try to make a decision.

The problem is that this decision-making process often fails. The more you magnify the importance of a decision, the more you’ll paralyze yourself. Eventually external factors will force you down a certain path, and you’ll lose your freedom to decide altogether. By refusing to decide, you get assigned the character class of Peon by default.

An Alternative Decision-Making Process

How can you make a decision if not by comparing future consequences?

This might sound like a subtle distinction, but a different way to make decisions is by comparing immediate present-moment consequences.

What does this mean?

Instead of trying to predict the future to determine the long-term implications of each possible path, drop the whole branching timeline model. Instead of regarding time as a line, consider time as a single fixed point. In other words, assume that only the present moment is real, and nothing beyond that exists.

Your decision point no longer involves the selection of a long-term path. Now it’s merely a state change to your present moment.

As you consider the alternative choices you might make, ask yourself this question: If I were to commit to this choice, how would it affect me right now? What immediate changes would I experience?

Imagine each possible choice as real, as if you’ve already made it. Pay attention to how the choice makes you feel. Does it feel good, or does it feel wrong somehow?

From Growth Forks to Linea